The last 6 months or so, my son and I have struggled...or shall I say, my son has struggled and I haven't known exactly what to do and how to be helpful or what I should do as a parent.
We have our good moments - really great moments reminiscient of what things were like before his little world got a little more complicated. And then other times, things are bad. Really bad. Like he hates me more than anything else in the world bad. Or, bad as in I tried to be funny to diffuse some tension and that was such the wrong thing to do (of course, what the fuck were you thinking).
I'm at a loss a lot these days. I want to connect and be there but it's not really happening the way I think it should, or thought it should.
There are times when I just want to quit this job.....the whole thing - the whole mom, wife, good family person thing. I want to leave, get in a car and reinvent myself, change my identity, be part of the witness protection program.
do something completely different and forget the life I have now. start fresh, do it all over again and do it MY way or at least the way that I want to do it now, after the fact, after I gave it my best shot.
Because right now, when I tuck my baby boy to bed and he is tense and doesn't want to look at me and is stiff as I hug him goodnight and wipes his forehead after I've kissed him...it's not what he wants. it's not what he needs. and I feel worthless... and I wonder why I signed up to do this whole parenthood thing in the first place.
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